Secretary of Corporations, formerly Department of State – Rex Tillerson, former head of Exxon Mobil, who was overheard speaking into a cell phone as he boarded the Trump Express for Russia, "I'm checking on my holdings there, Vlad. Chill the vodka."
Secretary of Public Lands Mining and Drilling, formerly the
Dept. of the Interior - Ryan
Zinke, former Navy Seal, who wants to keep those contracts in Donald Trump’s,
eh, the public’s, hands.
Department of Nuclear Proliferation, formerly Department of Energy – Rick
Perry, former Governor of Texas who has stated he wants to get rid of this
department altogether. “Energy smenergy” said Perry. “We should sell those
nukes to the highest bidder, now.”
Department of Worker Management, formerly Department of Labor – Andrew Puzder,
fast food CEO. Says Mr. Puzder, “This is a great opportunity to
put a stop to higher wages and those pesky unions, so the great unwashed can
enjoy a cheap Hardee’s roast beef sandwich, while I get richer, and can make
more donations to Trump, as God meant things to be.”
NBA, formerly SBA – Linda McMahon of World
Wrestling Entertainment, who said, “What do you mean it’s not about basketball?
Who wants to watch small businesses on TV?”
Department of Fossil Fuels, formerly
Environmental Protection Agency – Scott Pruitt – former Oklahoma Attorney General,
who says, “Drill baby drill, get every last drop out of the ground. Climate
change is just a hoax by those tree hugging, polar bear loving, organic foods
eating liberals. Be a man and eat smog.”
Show me the Money Department, formerly Department of the Treasury – Steve
Mnuchin former Goldman Sachs executive, who
loves him some Hollywood movies. “Get your hands off my cash,” said Mnuchin,
when asked how he’d advise the government in matters of money.
Department of Privatize This, formerly
Health and Human Services – Tom Price, leader of the opposition to the
Affordable care Act, which he called “a commie plot to let poor sick people off
the hook, and impoverish insurance companies. That’s just wrong,” when asked
his opinion of Obama’s signature health policy.
Department of Charter This! formerly
Department of education – Betsy DeVoss, charter school advocate who says kids
appreciate education more when they have to pay for it, instead of us paying
for those damn teachers unions always wanting better pay at the expense of administrators.
Secretary of Homelessness and Blight,
formerly Secretary of Housing and Urban Development – Ben Carson, neurosurgeon
and former candidate for President. Mr.
Carson said, “I think Section 8 is a part of the brain we can just cut out
because it doesn’t fit anymore. It’s not brain surgery. Poor people just cost money.
If you can’t afford a house, live in a box; that's why God made cardboard.”
CIA director, formerly CIA Director –
Mike Pompeo, former Army officer, who said, “Benghazi, Benghazi, Benghazi!”
Border Wall Department, formerly Attorney
General – Jeff sessions. “Get them wetbacks out of here!” said Mr. Sessions, wielding
a Confederate saber which he rattled meaningfully.
Court Jestor, formerly Chief of Staff –
Rience Priebus, GOP stooge in charge.
Overlord, formerly Chief Strategist – Stephen
K. Bannon, Alt-Right News. “What, you never read 1984?”
