Tuesday, December 20, 2016

Alligators in charge of the swamp - Life in the time of Trump

Welcome to our swamp, citizens! We have it fully stocked with gators, just waiting to thrash their tails and sharpen their teeth. This swamp is a particularly nice one, with a whole new crew of critters moving in. Here are some of the Swamp Monster's Cabinet picks:

Secretary of Corporations, formerly Department of State  – Rex Tillerson, former head of Exxon Mobil, who was overheard speaking into a cell phone as he boarded the Trump Express for Russia, "I'm checking on my holdings there, Vlad. Chill the vodka."

Secretary of Public Lands Mining and Drilling, formerly the Dept. of the Interior - Ryan Zinke, former Navy Seal, who wants to keep those contracts in Donald Trump’s, eh, the public’s, hands.

Department of Nuclear Proliferation, formerly Department of Energy – Rick Perry, former Governor of Texas who has stated he wants to get rid of this department altogether. “Energy smenergy” said Perry. “We should sell those nukes to the highest bidder, now.”

Department of Worker Management, formerly Department of Labor – Andrew Puzder, fast food CEO. Says Mr. Puzder, “This is a great opportunity to put a stop to higher wages and those pesky unions, so the great unwashed can enjoy a cheap Hardee’s roast beef sandwich, while I get richer, and can make more donations to Trump, as God meant things to be.”  

NBA, formerly SBA – Linda McMahon of World Wrestling Entertainment, who said, “What do you mean it’s not about basketball? Who wants to watch small businesses on TV?”

Department of Fossil Fuels, formerly Environmental Protection Agency – Scott Pruitt – former Oklahoma Attorney General, who says, “Drill baby drill, get every last drop out of the ground. Climate change is just a hoax by those tree hugging, polar bear loving, organic foods eating liberals. Be a man and eat smog.”  

Show me the Money Department, formerly Department of the Treasury – Steve Mnuchin former Goldman Sachs executive, who loves him some Hollywood movies. “Get your hands off my cash,” said Mnuchin, when asked how he’d advise the government in matters of money.

Department of Privatize This, formerly Health and Human Services – Tom Price, leader of the opposition to the Affordable care Act, which he called “a commie plot to let poor sick people off the hook, and impoverish insurance companies. That’s just wrong,” when asked his opinion of Obama’s signature health policy.

Department of Charter This! formerly Department of education – Betsy DeVoss, charter school advocate who says kids appreciate education more when they have to pay for it, instead of us paying for those damn teachers unions always wanting better pay at the expense of administrators.

Secretary of Homelessness and Blight, formerly Secretary of Housing and Urban Development – Ben Carson, neurosurgeon and former candidate for President.  Mr. Carson said, “I think Section 8 is a part of the brain we can just cut out because it doesn’t fit anymore. It’s not brain surgery. Poor people just cost money. If you can’t afford a house, live in a box; that's why God made cardboard.”

CIA director, formerly CIA Director – Mike Pompeo, former Army officer, who said, “Benghazi, Benghazi, Benghazi!” 

Border Wall Department, formerly Attorney General – Jeff sessions. “Get them wetbacks out of here!” said Mr. Sessions, wielding a Confederate saber which he rattled meaningfully.

Court Jestor, formerly Chief of Staff – Rience Priebus, GOP stooge in charge.

Overlord, formerly Chief Strategist – Stephen K. Bannon, Alt-Right News. “What, you never read 1984?”